


Soulmates Never Die

by AceLucky



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Coping, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Hanji is just super, Humiliation, Hurt/Comfort, I Love You, Implied Feelings, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) Swears, Literally I can imagine them being wonderful in this kind of situation, Loss, Love, M/M, Nonbinary Hange Zoë, Nostalgia, Reflection, There's way too many things I could tag, Trust, eruri - Freeform, fallen comrades, fallen lovers, memories of first times, respect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2016-09-30
Packaged: 2018-08-18 18:14:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8171116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceLucky/pseuds/AceLucky
Summary: Hurt/comfort between Levi and Hanji as Levi tries to come to terms with losing Erwin and the events of the day. A lot of mourning/general grief/reflection and Hanji feeling like they can’t fill Erwin’s boots, but trying nonetheless.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place between chapter 84/85 of SnK, so spoilers obviously if you’re not caught up. Some artistic license taken with time, I think? Though I’m assuming at the beginning of Chapter 85 a night has passed due to various factors and so this is set during late afternoon/overnight before chapter 85. 
> 
> Title is taken from the band Placebo and their song "Sleeping with Ghosts." 
> 
> Gender-neutral pronouns have been used for Hanji. 
> 
> Also I don't know why I've gotten into the habit of spelling Hanji like this and not Hange, I guess i've seen both spellings and that one stuck even though the English manga/game it's spelt Hange. Hope this doesn't bother anyone.

“Hanji,” he was barely speaking, his voice quivered even as he spoke the name. Levi was laid down beside Erwin’s body, unmoving, his hand under Erwin’s cape, he held the still hand tightly.

“He’s cold,” Levi said quietly without emotion. He glanced up at Hanji in a daze, exhaustion taking a hold.

Hanji did’t meet his gaze, couldn’t quite bring themselves to look at him and it pained them more than anything as Levi is all they had left.

“Hanji,” he repeated, “I’m sorry,” the apology was void of emotion, but Hanji was too astute not to see through the act. The apology didn’t matter, Hanji knew life was anything but simple, this was no one’s fault. A part of them knew the moment Erwin announced he would come on this expedition that it was always going to end this way. There were no happy endings, least of all for the Scouts, but Hanji wanted to believe in a future where they would see the world change. That was what Erwin wanted, what he fought so hard for and Hanji would be damned if they let his death be for nothing.

Hanji moved slowly, testing the water, afraid to overstep their mark with Levi. A few hours felt like a lifetime of torture and now there Erwin was, laid to rest in a place dictated by ones feelings. Feelings, not a word most would associate with Levi. Levi didn’t move, just stayed with the same frozen expression on his visibly tortured face.

“It’s not your fault,” Hanji whispered through gritted teeth. It is they wanted to scream, but they couldn’t blame him for what he had done, not for one moment. They tried to, but it was pointless, perhaps they too, given that power, would have come to the same conclusion, the decision would always have been the same. All they could do was give everything they had for humanity’s survival in the name of their former Commander.

It’s not your fault, the words rang hollow to Levi’s ears, “Tch,” he muttered.

There was a gap between them that needed to be bridged, but the void felt too vast for it to be obtainable. A million things Hanji could have said, but nothing felt, nothing felt enough. In the end silence was the only comfort but they knew it had to be broken.

“Levi, let him rest,” Hanji sounded exhausted, they reached out for him and placed a hand on his cheek.

Levi turned away, his cheek still held by Hanji, “Is it really time?” He asked in Erwin’s direction.

He nuzzled into Erwin’s cloak and then slowly turned and slid off the bed past Hanji. For all his strength he couldn’t ignore the need to see his face one last time, he uncovered Erwin’s torso slowly, a sharp intake of breath to get him through the revelation. The moment he had spent next to Erwin’s body he was almost able to believe that he was still alive, that this wasn’t the end of their story. But removing the cloak meant facing the truth.

He was broken in that moment, tears did not fall lightly for humanity’s strongest. Through all the loss he had known, he could always remain strong; Erwin has broken him.

“He looks so peaceful,” Levi spoke softly as he bent down to kiss Erwin’s eyelids. He pushed back his blonde hair, “I promise I won’t let this all have been in vain, you’re still my salvation.” He stroked his hair a little longer, lingering on the shorter underside, it was still so soft and brought back memories of nights in bed when nothing soothed his lover more than him playing with his hair like that. He was about to cover Erwin again when habit forced him to trace his thumb over Erwin’s lower lip and he bent down, eyes closed, to kiss it. Already colder than he was used to, he fought back the tears, water collecting in his eyelashes. 

He remembered the first time he laid eyes on him, when he was ready to kill him, and now… He recalled how they fell in love, the first time they had sex, rough and without emotion, unless you counted fury and anger. He recalled Erwin, trembling as he handed him a cup of tea, “And Levi….one other thing,” Erwin had paused, kissed his cheek, “I love you.” The way his cheeks had blushed furiously was cause for great amusement on Levi’s part and he had asked him, “Say it again?” No matter how many times he asked, Erwin would always respond, “Levi I love you.” 

Levi tilted his head to the side, his hand stroking Erwin’s cheek, “The tea you made was kinda shitty at times you know that?” One final kiss and he was done, “I love you Erwin Smith.” He took a hold of the cloak and once again raised it to cover Erwin’s face.

Hanji placed their hand on the small of his back, “It is time, we need to go,” it was said with some urgency, but not unkindly. Getting Erwin’s body here and finding the perfect flowers like Levi insisted had taken some time, but dusk was falling and Hanji was anxious.

Levi paused, “Wait, his feet get cold,” he lifted the bottom of the blanket and folded it over Erwin’s boots and calves, pressing it down at the sides, tucking it in as if tucking him in to bed after a long day. “Goodbye Commander, thank you.”

He stood side by side with Hanji and saluted, “Together we give our hearts.”

Later on the rooftop Levi sat as far away from the others as he could. He knew he was being selfish, it wasn’t just him who was hurting, Hanji too was left damaged by this, emotionally, physically. He hadn’t even asked about their eye, he tried to but he felt every word he said would be hollow.

He knew Hanji was sat next to him despite not acknowledging the new Commander, “You can’t stay silent forever,” Hanji said softly watching moths and bugs flitter in the night sky. 

Levi didn’t respond, but Hanji persisted head in hands, “We have to work through this.”

Levi scoffed, “Tch, I’m not sure how, I don’t think we need to discuss why,” he spoke dismissively.

The others made him sick, he made himself sick.

“Levi I get that you’re hurting, I get that this hasn’t been easy and that when we return home there’s a lot to be debated,” Hanji paused, “But right now…”

Levi’s body lurched forward as he heaved, dry retching he covered his mouth with his cloak in shame. He knew how childish he had sounded before, this was bigger than him, bigger than his love for Erwin. He’d never let his emotions get to him like this, always remained in control and respected, but something had happened on the rooftop and nothing would be the same again.  
A new generation was taking their places.

Hanji placed their hand on his back and rubbed, “Shhh,” though they too had tears in their eyes they had a duty to fulfil.

“Today, no one had a clear head, everyone dismissed humanity and that’s the truth of it,” Hanji said sharply as they clenched their fist.

Levi was shivering, head bent into his knees trying to force back the bile, clutching Erwin’s bolo tie fiercely, he kissed it. He’d considered swatting away Hanji’s hand but didn’t have the energy.

“This is yours now,” he said cooly handing it out towards Hanji.

For all their sorrow and confusion, Hanji was Commander now, they had to think straight. Right now they realised that the most important thing was reassuring Levi, living up to Erwin’s expectations was something Hanji could not do alone.

“I’m going to give you a minute,” Hanji said as they removed their hand from Levi’s still shaking body and stood to walk over to the others.

No one spoke, they just sat in a huddle like frightened children, Armin and Sasha now sleeping, Hanji looked at the others, “It’s okay, sleep,” Hanji smiled through their pain, “Sleep now, it will look better in the morning, I promise.”

“Commander,” Mikasa stood up and walked away from earshot of the others.

“What’s wrong?”

“What happens now? Are…” Hanji cut her off mid sentence, their body was aching and the resigned sigh they gave in response told Mikasa all she needed to hear.

But Hanji was patient, determined to behave as Erwin would have, “Mikasa, we need to focus on the task at hand,” they paused.

“I’m sorry Commander,” Mikasa bowed her head but Hanji reached out to take hold of her shoulder, “You did well today, all things considered…” their voice trailed off as they turned to look over their shoulder at Levi. “As I said earlier, we will discuss what happened here when we return. But for now, sleep, the basement is waiting.”

Mikasa nodded, a knot forming in her stomach from excitement, fear and trepidation.

“Jean, you take first watch okay? Wake me in a few hours.”

Jean nodded and saluated, though he was not sure why.

Hanji felt terrible, they should have been on first watch, it didn’t feel like a brilliant first move as Commander. But they trusted Jean and knew they had to show that trust in the younger Scouts especially after what had happened. Besides, Levi needed them.

Returning to Levi, Hanji sat beside him once again, arms reaching out for him. “Come here Levi,” they sighed, knowing he would more than likely reject them. Erwin was the only one ever allowed to get that close to him or see his doubt, his shame, his sorrow…

Much to Hanji’s surprise Levi did not protest, he crawled up beside them, buried his head into their chest and held them tight.

Hanji smelt like home, they were soft, warm and inviting. Erwin was the only one who could get that close to him without him freaking out over personal space and cleanliness.

“Hanji I’m sorry,” He said, repeating old apologies. He continued before they had a chance to speak, “About your eye, I’m sorry I didn’t ask how you are.”

Hanji pulled him in a little tighter, “I’m not going to hold your lack of manners against you today,” they let out a soft chuckle. True, their injury hurt like hell, but compared to what others had been through they were lucky to be alive.

“Thank you for that, and just so you know,” he paused, suddenly feeling awkward and exposed, “I’m glad that we made it, I’m glad I’ve still got you.” He lowered his voice, “Eld, Petra, Gunther, Oluo, Mike, Nanaba, Erwin…”

His hands were trembling as he spoke their names but he held onto the material of Hanji’s cloak tightly, “And it was I that let Erwin go,” his voice was a little calmer as he spoke, “I said there would be no regrets, how can I regret setting him free away from this hell?” Levi sounded almost bitter as he spoke.

“I know why you did it,” Hanji sighed. There was no point in regret, no point in thinking what if? What if was gone, the future set in motion.

Levi’s tears subsided slowly as the two of them remained motionless, “No one can replace him,” he said cooly. He shuffled, uncomfortable once again pulled away and sat up.

He turned to Hanji, really noticed for the first time how bloody the bandage covering their eye was. He reached out to gently push some of the hair that had stuck to it behind their ear. “We’ll get you right as rain when we return,” he gave a small smile. Hanji nodded, grateful for the acknowledgment he had shown them.

He swirled his tongue round in his mouth for a moment, tasting the bile he shook his head, “Tch and nothing to clean my teeth with, disgusting.”

Hanji stifled a laugh, it felt too cruel to have let it escape their mouth, but Levi just saying those words made them believe they could do this. Levi was not lost, he was still strong, still himself. Together and with the others, the Scouts were still strong. 

Levi stared into the night sky, “You think he’s up there now?”

Hanji leant their head on his shoulder and wrapped their arm round his waist, “Uh-huh, watching over us and just how much we’re gonna fuck this up,” there was almost a laugh there, mirthless and bitter.

Guilt stabbed at Levi’s heart, he knew he fucked this up, for the first time since joining the Scouts he put himself first instead of humanity.

“Even if there is an afterlife,” Levi begun, “I won’t be seeing him again.”

Hanji closed their eyes, sure of what was to come, “Levi don’t…”

“Because he was selfless, I know he rattled on about being selfish and sending comrades on this suicide mission to achieve his dream, but his dream, the basement… that represented humanity’s salvation. If there’s an afterlife he’ll be in heaven, whereas I’m sure to be damned for the choices I’ve made.”

Hanji did something neither of them expected and placed a kiss on his cheek before holding him close. Levi bowed his head and slid back down, letting his head drop into Hanji’s lap. They stroked his hair, their fingers brushing back his undercut, reviling in the softness. Levi gave a soft moan into their lap.

Hanji’s heart seemed to beat a little faster in that moment and they preyed Levi wouldn’t notice. “We need to sleep,” that was all Hanji could think of to say.

Levi gave an inaudible grunt and pulled away from Hanji, curled up on his side, memories tormenting him. He shivered feeling the night air, no Erwin to keep him warm and protect him from the elements away from prying eyes. Just then he felt them, Hanji crawled up beside him, their chest pressed against his back, their arms held him firmly, “Don’t worry love I’ve got you,” they whispered.

Levi shuddered, he did not respond. He opened his mouth to say a quiet thank you but found no sound coming out, choking on tears he was sure he’d emptied already. He felt like a wretched selfish brat for the first time in his life and he knew know he had to give more than 100%. There was no time for regret, he had to dry his tears and move on, no matter the pain. He had to be there for Hanji, he cared deeply for them though he knew on that day he had not shown it. He had made his decision and now he could not let them down, though every action he would follow through would not only be for humanity but for the memory of his lover.

Hanji, on sensing he was uncomfortable let go and rolled over onto their back. It was hopeless, no matter how exhausted they were sure they weren’t sleeping that night.

“Hanji,” Levi said quietly. “Will you…” he continued, he found it hard to finish the sentence, to ask for help and allow anyone to see him like that.

Hanji crawled back beside him, wrapped their arms around him again, “Sure,” they held the bolo tie back out in front of Levi’s face, “Why don’t you take this for now?”

“Thank you,” he allowed himself to be lost in their embrace, the contact of another human. With their arms wrapped so tightly around him he felt a little safer, he took hold of their hands and squeezed, “Hey,” even through the silent tears he allowed himself a small smile, “Shitty glasses, not so tight.”

Hanji nuzzled into Levi’s back, a grin too escaping, “Jean is on first watch so just you sleep okay?” Hanji said softly, “Go to him, go to Erwin in your dreams.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, hope you have enjoyed it! Please let me know if there's anything you loved/didn't like/anything that needs fixing. All feedback is greatly appreciated.


End file.
